March 6, 2019

Days

Some days I feel like a warrior. I'm unstoppable; whatever comes my way, I'll just keep fighting. There's a sun in the way? Blow it up. On these sorts of days, I'm playing Sia on repeat.

I have crash days: overwhelmed, nothing-left, it's-not-fair days. I don't even play music - it all seems trite and pointless. In the first few months after diagnosis, I had lots of these days.

I have sweet misery days. Wallowing in the great heartbreak of life. Sappy songs. Weeping on my partner's shoulder.

Once in a great while, I have zen days, where I see the big picture (and it doesn't scare me). On those days, when the TN flares up, I close my eyes and give my body space. On those days, I can think of my trigeminal nerve with compassion and tenderness, and relax, and let the pain exist.

But most days I'm everything, all of the above, and really just trying to live my life and not think about it. That's hard to do - there are reminders everywhere in little things, the things I do to keep the TN tamped down. And underneath it all, the waiting for the next bad attack.

But even when it does arrive, it won't win. It will end, and I will pick myself up and keep fighting.