March 19, 2019

Two weeks to go.

Two weeks to go.

Two weeks until the TN surgery. I'm a bit nervous, but mostly just looking forward to being on the other side. Had pre-op appointments last week, which were reassuring, even though we discussed risks—I'm happier when things are out on the table. The greatest thing we have to fear is fear (of the unknown).

There are so many reasons I'm having this surgery, yet the thing I find myself most excited about being able to do again is drinking cold water. Cold is a TN trigger—cold water, cold food, cold air. So I've spent months drinking lukewarm water (hot is a trigger, too), and lukewarm tea, and lukewarm everything. It doesn't seem like it should be a big deal, it seems like something I should have gotten used to.

But nonetheless, I find myself lusting after cold water. When I fill the cat's water dish from the fridge's water dispenser, I'm jealous. It just doesn't seem real that such a simple thing could cause me as much pain as it would. I know it would, I have vivid memories of that pain: that sharp, stabbed-in-the-face pain that would somehow get worse for an hour or two, before just as suddenly ending.

Yet, still, I want that damn cold water. And ice cream. And hot coffee. And coffee ice cream.